5 Reasons Why You’re Still Single
#5 You care too much what other people think
That’s right! If you are worrying about the other person, or other people, and what they think of you then you’re not paying attention to WHAT YOU THINK OF THEM! What other people think of you isn’t important. If they like you, they’ll keep coming back. If they don’t…they will go away. As simple as that.
HOWEVER…your focus needs to be on whether or not this person is right for you. Think of the initial stages of dating as an extended interview. I know that’s not really very romantic, but that mindset will help you in the long run. Always be taking mental notes and then comparing those notes to the real or mental list you have of “The Right Person for Me”. If you don’t have this (realistic) list I strongly urge you to make one. (btw…every woman on our retreats leave with this list in hand. It’s pretty awesome).
If you’re too busy trying to figure out how to twist yourself into a pretzel to be the person someone else will love…you’ve got it all wrong. Just BE YOU and the people who will love you just exactly as you are will stick around. Favorite quote: “What other people think about me is none of my business”.
“Too Much Information”. This is an age-old blooper many daters make. The first date feels so great! There’s a connection! There’s chemistry! There’s instant, magnetic attraction! It’s like we’re soul mates!
So then you proceed to share the intense, dramatic, and tragic details of (fill in the blank) from your past. The horrific divorce. The abuse. The restraining order. The addictions and the depths it took you.
No, no, no, no, no! Not at the very first date! Ever! Your first date is a test to see if there’s any reason at all to have a second date. If you participate in “TMI” right away you’re basically telling the other person “Here’s a taste of what’s to come”…and usually they’re not up for second helpings. So please do yourself a favor and slow down with the documentary of your life. If he or she is going to become a long term partner then there’s plenty of time to share. Take a breath, smile, and enjoy your first of hopefully many dates.
#3 You gave away the milk for free
Did you have sex too soon? It could be a reason why you’re still single. Now, there’s plenty of times that 2 consenting adults might have sex early on, even on the first date, and it turns into a long lasting relationship. But, if you’re reading this E-book and Reason #3 made you nod your head…probably you need to learn how to refrain from jumping in the sack too soon.
One reason delayed sexual relations is preferable is because, if you’re looking for a long term relationship then you’ll want to get to know if that person is right for you beyond physical attraction and chemistry. As soon as you get naked and make whoopee you release all of this hormone called Oxcytocin and it’s the hormone that basically makes us “drunk with lust”. It’s the bonding hormone. It causes people to make very poor decisions sometimes because they’re basically “high”. Therefore…once your very sexy date night ends with an orgasm…your ability to identify red flags and make good dating decisions is out the window.
Another reason to wait is because if you just “give it up” right away, the person with whom you are having sex might think that you are like this with everyone…which often times is NOT the person someone would want to commit to. Would you want to get into a relationship with someone who has sex with everyone they meet? No. So don’t be that person.
Most importantly…waiting for a while really, truly gives you the opportunity to assess whether this person deserves the gift of knowing you that closely and intimately. There’s just no way on earth you can find out what kind of person he or she is on the first date. Or the second. Or third. It takes time. Everyone puts their best foot forward at first. It’s not until there’s a level of comfort and familiarity that the REAL person shows up. And aren’t you worth the wait anyway? If someone doesn’t want to wait then that’s the only thing they were interested in to begin with. If they walk away because you aren’t willing to jump in bed right away then they’re doing you a favor. Just tell them thanks for not wasting your time and move on.
#2 You forgot to be the girl or guy
Women…please, please, please…don’t be the guy. Don’t hunt your men. Don’t “No thanks, I got it” when he offers to help you. Don’t make all the plans. That’s what men are built for and they do it well…so let them. Men don’t want to date men (well, straight men don’t. I’ll write a little more about how this applies to gay and lesbian relationships in a minute).
So, if you’re a strong, independent, take charge kind of gal…it means you’re embracing your masculine energy, which is really great and helps us savvy ladies succeed in today’s world. However, if you’re a heterosexual female and you are seeking a heterosexual male…you have to figure out how to embrace your feminine energy, too. I am not talking about becoming a dainty little princess or “Heidi Homemaker” (which are both OK if that’s what you’re into). I’m talking about remembering or learning how to be appreciative and allow a guy to do what he does best…be the man. We talk about this concept A LOT on retreats and with my coaching clients. It sooooo important!
Men…basically read the above and do the opposite! OK, seriously though, there’s a lot of men out there who are just looking for a mommy. What that means is you just expect to be taken care of. Somewhere along the way you never learned how to “man up” and really be the provider. If you’re a heterosexual man and you are seeking a heterosexual woman, then you’ll be well advised to start opening doors, pulling out chairs, and lending your coat when she’s chilly. Women today don’t want a 40 year old child as their boyfriend…at least not healthy women. So, if you know you’re the kind of dude who usually waits until she initiates (anything) then I’d strongly urge you to reconsider that tactic and try putting more of your testosterone to good use.
For my gay and lesbian friends: What I’ve seen throughout my years as a therapist is that same-sex couples tend to either have one person who’s more masculine energy and one who’s more feminine. I’m not talking about appearance; I’m talking about energy. Feminine energy being the more nurturing and receptive, masculine being the more provide and protect. I have also seen couples that seem to have equal amounts of both in each partner. I think the most important thing to determine for yourself is where you fall on the “energetic spectrum” and what type of energy (feminine or masculine) would be a good fit for you. If you instinctually know you gravitate toward the masculine “provide and protect” then you’d probably be well matched with someone who falls more toward the feminine end of the spectrum. At the end of the day it’s really about knowing who your authentic self is and what kind of partner compliments that self.
#1 Unrealistic expectations
Yes, it’s the NUMBER ONE reason I see over and over and over again. Having a checklist that’s full of items no one could possibly ever live up to. Often people will begin dating someone and place these unspoken expectations on the other person. Eventually the other person will start to feel the pressure of these expectations and begin feeling either like a failure, a disappointment, or just plain resentful. There’s a saying: “Expectations are premeditated resentments”. It’s so true! So what happens? They leave. OR, they stay and a cycle of arguing and making up and arguing and making up begins. That’s called DRAMA. It’s not fun. It makes everyone involved feel like a crazy person.
So, re-evaluate. Take a deep look at what your expectations are and really think about whether they are realistic or not. Make sure you’re not confusing “needs” with “expectations”. It’s usually helpful to have an outside objective person to help you with this since your brain is influenced by your past, your present, and too many movies where “They all lived happily ever after”.
Fantasy = not real, fictional, unrealistic expectations = Single
Reality = Healthy, appropriate, and human (not fictional) = Relationship
Obviously these are just a few of the reasons you might be single and are some of the most common I see with my clients. The most important thing I want you take from this is that you are valuable and worthy of love. Whatever the reason(s) you’re still single, there’s definitely a lot you can do to meet the right person for you. Have hope, have some faith, and never give up.
Red Lotus Wishes,
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