Are you still Facebook friends with your Ex?

What’s one of the first things people do when they break up with someone?

These days the most common answer is, “Check his/her Facebook page”…right?

So why do we do this? Why do you torture yourself? Why is it so hard to delete them and start working on healing and moving forward?

Long long ago, in the ancient olden days before Facebook, Texting…even before the Internets…when 2 people broke up the only way to remain up to date on their lives was to either A) Ask their friends, B) Call (and often hang up…before Caller ID was invented) or C) Drive by their house (also known as “Stalking”). There was no “check their status” or “see who posted on their wall” options (technically, this could also be called “Stalking”). Unfortunately what modern technology allows us to do is to obsess more, try to ignite jealousy more, and basically stay stuck in the past instead of move on.

One of the the first recommendations I make to a client going through a break up is to delete that person…from anywhere: FB, contacts, Linkedin, Twitter…wherever. Commonly my client will first respond with:

“But won’t they think I’m being mean and vindictive?”

Ok…first of all…Who cares? They are your EX. When someone is your ex they no longer have the right to know anything about your life (and you theirs). Secondly, you aren’t doing it TO them, you’re doing it FOR YOU…for you to let go, for you to grieve, for you to move on.

A loss is anything we must say goodbye to = We must grieve those things we lose = We can not grieve something we have not let go of.

In order to heal and move forward you MUST allow yourself to grieve the loss of the relationship. By hanging on to things like access to their Facebook updates you are only making it worse for yourself. You are keeping yourself stuck in that awful, yucky place of “in between”…not together, but not really completely apart.

Fear is what keeps us stuck in the yucky place. Fear of “What if”. What if I never find anyone? What if they move on to another relationship? What if I could change and get them back? What if it was a mistake?

What if, what if, what if?

How do you get out of the “What if’s”? Well…if you believe that fear is what keeps you there, then you must try to shift to the opposite of fear…Faith. I’m not talking about religion. I’m talking about faith in anything.

Faith in yourself. Faith that the universe will provide. Faith that it’s an abundant world. Fear and Faith are exact opposites. If you are having trouble moving forward, consider that you might benefit from a little faith to get you out of fear…which will get you out of the What If’s.

So let’s review…Facebook with your ex = Fear. Deleting and moving forward = Faith. The letting go, grieving, healing, and moving forward parts? Let those who want to help you do so. Seek support. Find healthy people and healthy activities to stay busy with. Go on a trip (or a Red Lotus Retreat!). Practice self care. And whatever you do….don’t check your ex’s FB page. Delete and Block it. Treat it like a drug detox. One day at a time. You can do it. Have some faith (and maybe some ice cream).


About Jill

Executive Director and Founder of Red Lotus Way

One Response to “Are you still Facebook friends with your Ex?”

  1. JasonB January 27, 2014 3:41 pm #

    I really relate to this article because I’ve been having a difficult time letting go of my ex (I don’t even like calling her my ex because to me it has a negative connotation. I prefer “previous girlfriend”). At the beginning of the article I realized I’m having a hard time letting go because I’m afraid. And then you confirmed my realization!

    Now I have to work on focusing on faith. And yes, I’m very fearful I won’t meet someone else (and that feeling is DEEP). But the problem is I don’t want to focus on faith. I don’t want to let go yet. Maybe the fear is sneaky in that sense. I don’t have a problem with “stalking”, but with letting go of the idea of me being with her. Is it really unhealthy for me to hang on to that idea for too long? It’s been almost a year since we broke up. I know grieving a loss takes time, but I could be doing things to hinder the process.

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